Misfit Patrol (1996)

Welcome to the second of two directorial efforts from Anthony Cardoza. His name is probably not familiar to you but if you’re reading this site, his work is.  Let’s start with “Mystery Science Theater 3000”. One of their more beloved directors was a fellow by the name of Coleman Francis, who made “The Beast of Yucca Flats”, “The Skydivers” and “Red Zone Cuba”, incompetent and weird but made with a genuine black heart. Francis’ producer for those movies was Mr Cardoza, who’d made a little bit of money as a welder but had also produced an Ed Wood movie by the time they met.

Anyway, Francis died in 1973 but Cardoza’s dreams didn’t, so he hung around the movie business. He produced a few things (most famously and profitably, 1968’s “Hellcats”), but it’s his directing work we’re interested in at the moment. We already covered 1979’s “Smokey and the Hotwire Gang”, one of the more confusing / rubbish “Smokey and the Bandit” ripoffs, and then almost 20 years later came this. I've been racking my brain and can't think of any trend he was capitalising on, unless it was made when "Police Academy" but was never "released" until the mid 90s?

For those curious movie buffs among you, the first question might be “why?” Why did Mr Cardoza, seven years after his last job in the movies (line producer on something called “Crime Of Crimes”), and almost twenty from his last directing job, want to make another one? I’m going to go out on a limb here and give you one of my patented unfounded movie theories!

Dave Fuentes, writer / star (and, if we’re being honest, probably financial backer), was a big fan of Ed Wood. He wanted to make a movie and approached the star of “Plan Nine From Outer Space”, Conrad Brooks, then in his early 60s and still working in the same sort of bargain-basement entertainment that had made him “famous” almost 40 years previously.  Brooks had met Cardoza while working on “The Beast Of Yucca Flats” in 1961, his last movie before taking a twenty year break from the movies, and as Fuentes needed a director called his old friend, who accepted. Or the original director pulled out at the last moment and Cardoza stepped in to protect his own investment, as he was also listed as producer. Or something else. Like I’ve said, I’ve really got no idea how any of this works but I like to speculate. This was Fuentes’ only movie, though, which at least hints at it being a vanity project of some kind. Oh, and there’s the fact he wears heels in a bunch of scenes so he can appear taller than his female co-star.

“Misfit Patrol” was never released, anywhere. I contacted the writer, Baltimore journalist “Buzz” Beeler, still working and generous with his time. Sadly, he didn’t even have a copy (or didn’t want me to watch it) so I gave up, mentioning my fruitless search to a friend who used to run B-Independent, a site like this only better, back in the very early days of the internet. He also helped distribute micro-budget movies back then, and casually mentioned that he had a copy, obtained from Conrad Brooks himself at a convention many years ago! A little while later, and a package arrived in the mail, more anticipated by me than any hot new Marvel epic.

The tape itself is unusual (to me, anyway) – a finished product, sent to potential investors to secure investment and distribution. As well as playing the trailer, it features a little segment with all the positive words people said about it at the time and a “hey, you could make money with this great movie” bit.

I may be the first person to watch this movie in 20 years, and I appreciate it’s not exactly going to drive traffic to this site as it’s almost impossible that you’d be able to track it down based on my recommendation, or lack thereof. So I’ll have to try and paint a word-picture of this absolutely 100% forgotten, zero reviews on the internet, buddy cop comedy, and hopefully it’ll be entertaining. Let’s journey through “Misfit Patrol” together!

There are two cops, Dave (Fuentes) and Murphy (Brooks) and they suck. No particular reason is given why they’re so dumb, they just are – answering a grenade like a telephone, sticking a shotgun in their own face to see why it’s jammed, etc.  – and are hated by both their co-workers and boss, Captain Cook (Vernon Wells, who must have owed someone a favour). All the other cops look like old bums who got pulled off the street and given uniforms, like you can see one person in white sneakers and trousers that are 6 inches too short for him in the background of one scene.

There’s so much miserable comedy misfiring on display here. Like getting “gynecologist” and “geologist” mixed up, which might be the best joke they have. Or when they mock a midget by talking to her like she’s a child. Or a bit where Dave is busted down to crossing guard and uses his Stop sign like he’s riding a horse. Or the way they seem to not really understand how human beings talk or behave. There’s a courtroom scene where the judge just accepts a bribe in full view of everyone, then lets the murderer off.

There’s a plot, kind of, which leads me to the most curious thing about “Misfit Patrol”. Dave and Murphy stumble upon a turf war between rival gangs of drug dealers, and find, pretty much by accident, a witness prepared to testify against them. She happily comes down to the station, and you assume a romance is on the cards – she’s a nice, normal looking woman of around 35. Then, we find out she’s a high school student? What? Then they still sort of get together? But if you read the IMDB profile of the movie, you’ll know that she’s actually (SPOILER, BUT YOU’RE NEVER EVER GOING TO WATCH THIS MOVIE) an undercover DEA agent, and might actually be age-appropriate – in movie terms – for Dave. But then why was she so willing to help the cops against the people she’s undercover with? Why go undercover as a student when there’s no indication those particular drug dealers are operating in schools?

I appreciate this will be curious to you, dear reader, as you’ve never seen it. I’m really trying to get across how wrong-headed “Misfit Patrol” is, how devoid of anything approaching laughs, or dramatic tension, or sense.

Conrad Brooks gives it his all, but he’s not a natural comedy actor, so his mugging comes across as vaguely offensive, only I can’t figure out to who. Jeff Celentano, who’s been featured by us before in “American Ninja 2”, “Puppet Master 2” and “Demonic Toys”, tries his best but is subject to maybe the worst gag in this or any other movie, as the Captain keeps getting his name wrong. It has no pay-off and isn’t remotely funny the first time, let alone the twentieth. Another ISCFC regular, Jimmy Williams (“Samurai Cop”, “Cybernator”, “Silent Night Zombie Night”, among others) shows up as the villain, should you be a completist of his.

There’s perhaps a good reason why some movies never got official releases. Made cheaply as vanity projects, tax dodges, or misguided investment attempts, they have nothing going for them at all and every distributor, mercifully, leaves them well alone. Perhaps even some of them are comedies, like this, just with no jokes in them. But I feel even the lousiest self-produced never-released effort would struggle to approach the dismal beyond-failure of “Misfit Patrol”. It’s so bad that it becomes fascinating, not the sort of fascinating I’d ever want to watch again, but fascinating anyway.

I’d like to spend a little time, after we’ve thoroughly trashed the movie, talking about how it was marketed. One of Brooks’ VHS tapes has made it to Amazon, and someone decided to write a product description for it. I’ll give you a few highlights.

“Every once in while moviegoers are treated to a wholesome family entertainment. That's when film producers decide that movie watchers, especially those who like to bring their family along, have had enough of crime, sex, drugs and violence for a plot.” –

literally the entire plot of the movie is about crime and drugs, and there’s a shootout with multiple deaths in the first fifteen minutes.

“Misfit Patrol fits that once-in-a-while wholesome family entertainment to a tee.”

 Once in a while. I love it!

“The zany duo 's pairing with sultry Sheila (Hope Kelley), who plays undercover DEA agent, who later displays her affection for Bryant, provides more solidness to the zany and comical plot upon which this comedy revolves. There is no gain-saying that the horizon is bright for this very talented former Texan beauty to get more action roles in the immediate future, not to mention comedy roles,”

 Is she a former Texan or a former beauty?

And these gem scame from the reviews they quoted:

"The wackiest film to date" -- Dusty Brandel -A.A.R.W.B.A   

That would be the American Auto Racing Writers & Broadcasters Association (Brandel is its president). Wackiest? Did Ms Brandel never see “It’s A Mad Mad Mad Mad World”, which at least bears more of a relationship to the sport she’s spent her life covering?

"... as we track this weekend through the last eight years, "Misfit Patrol" grossed better than previous years with more traditional product." -- D. Edward Vogel- Bengies Drive-In Theatre  

I’d love to know why this wasn’t considered “traditional product”.

“My two thumbs up for this zany comedy flick's plot and its worthy lessons...” -- Noel T. Castorillo- L.A. Free Press 

One of those worthy lessons is “ if you’re a middle aged cop, develop an inappropriate relationship with a high school girl, on the off chance she’s an adult undercover DEA agent”.

One last thing – go back to the top of the screen and check out the poster. That indicates it’s some sort of Police Academy-style everyone’s-crazy cop comedy; only it’s not, at all. I’d be annoyed at the false advertising, if it had ever actually been released.

Rating: thumbs down